Florida Awakenings

Florida bound in March

Perhaps too many times to count or effectively recall (let me explain – no, there is too much – let me sum up!)

For many a Spring Break, aligning with the Easter Holiday, I would venture to the panhandle to visit cousins, rock paper scissors to decide who got the comfy couch in Uncle Joe’s van (and there really wasn’t a bad seat in that rolling house with the captain’s chairs and vast leg room) with the ever reliable Benji scouting the route. Learning to play pool left handed, being stung by jellyfish, falling into a birthday cake, searching for eggs filled with treats and cash, getting one too many sunburns and embracing the southern peninsula portion of our family. With one sojourn inclusive of a Magic Kingdom visit, where I was the lucky winner of a day pass honoring the 25^th anniversary of the park, Orlando occupied a portion of my 5^th year spring venture. In that era I was Amy, youngest of the first cousins, and of most of the seconds, joining in the mix, a little intimidated by the vibe of the family matriarchs and always curious how one family could have such wide view points, accents, and names for soda (none of us actually called it that) in a single family.

My 13^th year would be the final time I embraced northern Florida for the holiday, which I didn’t know until it simply no longer transpired, trading family of origin for friend family and five years in Myrtle Beach.

Swapping north for south, Miami visits were often outside of the March window (November for a wedding, February for the 30^th birthday and almost as many miles running) but maintained the Florida connection and it was annual convocation for the tiny but strong professional family occupied March every third year or so, that invited return to the center of the state and a couple attempts at Disney, though I wouldn’t say it seemed so magical. Once in the earliest stages of pregnancy and feeling awful, while carrying a toddler on my back, pushing a giant in a wheelchair and tracking a (to be fair quite responsible 5 y/o) it was not the delight one might hope for, and subsequently with all three of my trio birthed, perhaps a little more engaging, but peak season simply didn’t speak to me. In that era, I was full send logical, disconnected from feeling, surviving life as it dismantled from around me.

With an apology tour to my oldest friend in late February paired with a visit to the wife of my mentor shortly after his passing, SouthWest Florida held space for healing and perhaps the momentum of understanding that who I was had been hidden away.

And last year – post-divorce, newly dating, joining my oldest and his dedicated crew for their final HS Spring Break, I was now the sole driver of a vehicle with no couch and very little leg room, with the pups left home, navigating the journey toward freedom and understanding of self. There were delights – meeting friends in person after connecting for years through the medium of video – sharing hugs, space and stories. Connecting with my uncle, now reunited with surprise family of his own in Tennessee, and realizing that I had shifted much within though wounds still remained.

In one of the most intense moments I can recall, a panic attack drew me out of the Dali museum – overwhelmed by feelings that had now entered the scene of Amelia and illustrating that I was beginning to establish boundaries, no longer tolerant to love infused with harm and honoring my own needs, though it would take more time, trial, and learning to fully embrace this understanding.

It is hard to believe that was one year ago – to the day – and this version of me was not present in any of those prior iterations, though she contains with delight and powerful awareness the integrated version of all those Amy’s and Amelia’s from before - the cousin, niece, sister, colleague, student, resident, physician, spouse, partner, parent, person figuring it out. All lived now safely within a self capable of holding them all. No longer reliant on (or at risk of) anyone else to validate, vindicate, or victimize.

And on the crossover of February to March this year, Amelia of Now arrived to that central Florida, to learn if the connection remade on the launch of her 45^th birthday was as strong as it seemed, receiving the gift of care. Safety. Ease. Delight. Being held with gentle strength and receiving for the first time with no agenda or act of control. Bliss so deep it expressed with the quiet of the ocean’s floor.

As that round of Florida exploration concluding, tears flowed. An experience rare for this creature, in all her iterations – and unclear at first as to why. Lamenting the departure and distance? Perhaps. Aware of the reality of struggles awaiting on return. Possibly. Unsure of what would unfold and if all that goodness could be real and lasting? Probably. Rather than try to know why, another rarity for the ever wondering mind she had housed through every version, she simply welcomed them, and all the feelings that they held in each drop – with the beautiful and gentle witnessing of a stranger in the boarding line, simply acknowledging – I see you having your feelings – with no discomfort or request to be any other way.

It wasn’t for a few days upon that return and in the space of distance in communication familiar to her though flavored differently – discerning contemplation rather than purposeful avoidance or control – and it was revealed – her heart knew for the first time how safe care felt – and whether it would be from this source for days, months, or years longer, was not the question and certainly not the answer – it was the experience that held the wisdom and the endless availability for that holding from creator and from the light within – welcoming that sensation in partnership while needing it not – the truest love and freedom there ever was, is, will be.

And now, ushering this month out with yet another journey from one peninsula to another. Greeting now the same person in form, though also evolving in texture – the Amelia effect in the surround, unique not to her, but brought through by the energy bestowed upon her from before the beginning.

Ready to be present, to care, to receive, to offer, to listen, to recognize light with light and know darkness has equal place in life’s journey – free of fear and full of purpose.

To know now that all components of this whole were necessary in their moments on the timeline as we understand it and also to be revisited in stages to heal that which was omitted, overlooked, misunderstood, and discarded – whether with malice or ignorance, intention or fumble – allowing the impact to be seen, with witnessing as the richest balm and the strength of scars greater than the original tissue.

Arriving here as this self – no agenda or expectation. Prepared not to know in all the ways she has welcomed in her work – trusting beyond logic and into the emotions that eluded her for so long. For all the challenges of the world – within, around, micro, macro and meta – this has always been the way.

And a van will bring her home – replete with cozy bed and trusty canine companion – to herself as much as the lake ensconced land that has held her heart for a lifetime.